It is a new year, as 2005 has begun. What will happen this year? Frankly, I have no clue. Yet, it seems to be in vogue these days to make predictions for the new year, so I suppose I should join in the fun.
The upcoming elections in Iraq will go ahead as scheduled. The Shi’ites and the Kurds will turnout in large numbers at the polls, and the Sunni turnout will resemble that of an off year election in the United States. Supporters of the war in Iraq will praise the election as the beginning of a model democracy in the Middle East. Opponents will condemn it as a corrupt election rigged by the CIA. In reality, the election will be far from perfect – there will be fraud, intimidation, and terrorist attacks. But it will be an election, something that only seems to happen for Arab countries when they are under “occupation” (see Iraq, Gaza, and the West Bank). Hopefully, Iraq will break this unfortunate trend in the near future.
The Bush Administration will push through Social Security reform including allowing investment in private accounts, despite some nay-saying Republicans. The AARP will fight this to the end, proving how much they care about young people. This will cause a new group, a version of the AARP for taxpayers under age 35, which will lobby for even more reforms, possibly even the total privatization of Social Security. Politicians, seeing a chance to gain voters for the next 50 or so years (as opposed to only the next few years, as is the case with seniors), will begin to pander to the youth with as much zeal as Ted Kennedy panders to grandma. Trent Lott will be interviewed on MTV. Bill Frist will be a guest voice on “South Park.” Bill Clinton will appear on “Blind Date.” Voters under 30 will respond with apathy.
Bush will also announce his plans to reform the tax system. Before seeing his plans, Democrats will denounce them as “tax cuts for the rich.”
UT President John Peterson, by serving in his post for two years, will become UT’s longest serving president in half a decade.
Democratic Lt. Gov. John Wilder will celebrate 33 years in his post as Speaker of the State Senate in Nashville, vowing to serve in the post for another 33 years. By the 2028 elections, Republicans will hold 30 of the 33 seats in the Senate, but will still lack the necessary votes to replace the 106 year old speaker.
Ted Kennedy will offer rides to hundreds of hitchhikers, but will always be turned down, for some odd reason.
All those “One term president” stickers all over campus will elicit laughter or anger from passersby, depending on their politics.
The world will be shocked when the news breaks that Michael Moore is really being paid by the Bush Administration (a la Armstrong Williams) to promote Bush’s policies by creating inflammatory documentaries in an effort to charge Bush’s base, and reveal to those in the middle just how nutty the far left has become. Moore will then promptly announce his engagement of Condoleeza Rice.
CBS anchor Dan Rather will produce documents proving that Dick Cheney does, in fact, eat babies. When it turns out that these documents (discovered by Kitty Kelly) are bogus, Rather announces he will be resigning immediately, though insists the documents had nothing to do with it, and that the story is “entirely accurate.”
Instapundit.com will be voted the most influential news source in America, edging out the “New York Times,” “USA Today,” and the “Christian Science Monitor.”
In sports, The Lady Vols will defeat UConn in the NCAA tournament finals, thus winning their seventh national title. UT football coach Philip Fulmer will coach his team when they travel to Alabama via video phone. Six teams will be undefeated at the end of the 2005 football regular season, but BCS officials will assure us that their system is still flawless.
The Michael Jackson trial will surpass the Peterson and Kobe Bryant trials in terms of sheer annoyance. Among those called to the testify will be Latoya Jackson (who uses her psychic skill to predict acquittal), Janet Jackson (whose “wardrobe malfunction” on the stand leads to a three day recess), and Bubbles the Chimp.
I will continue to write columns like this one undoubtedly for the good of all humanity, as I’m sure most of the professors here would undoubtedly agree.
John Brown (www.johnnorrisbrown.com) is a senior in political science and history at the University of Tennessee @ Knoxville. Contact him at johnnyb325@aol.com. This column originally appeared in the January 18, 2005 edition of The Daily Beacon entitled "Columnist issues 2005 forecast," available here.